Walking in Her Shoes: Forgiving Mom
Photo by eriknikolai.
I sat at the kitchen table and waited, my eyes fixated on the tire tracks left in the snow as she drove off.
She said she was leaving, and her tone of voice made me feel like she wasn’t coming back. I felt all shaky inside, like I was cold, but I wasn’t. I was afraid. What if she didn’t come back?
She worked full time and was raising five children. Dad was working three jobs to try to get ahead after investing in a family-run business. I was already doing all the laundry and helping with most of the meals. Even at my age, I could sense the stress in the house.
I was 12, and my four brothers were younger than I. They were in the other room playing when she stormed out of the house. I wondered where she would go. We lived in a small town in the Midwest. There’s not much going on in the middle of winter. Not many places to go.
Photo by DiDiane.
I kept looking at the clock; she had now been gone six hours. Snow had started falling, and I was getting sleepy. I was tired of waiting, but I didn’t dare leave the table. Then I saw it … the navy-blue Chrysler lumbering down the driveway. The tension I felt began to fade.
Photo by fietzphotos.
She walked in the back door. I got up from the table and went upstairs, not saying a word to her. I was hurt and angry. Why would she do that to me? Make me think she was leaving and then came back like nothing had happened. The boys didn’t even know she had left.
This wasn’t the first time she would leave, making me fear that she wouldn’t come back. For years I resented her for hurting me like that. And then I had children. Five children. And my husband worked long hours, too. And I thought of Mom. And I understood. There were times I wanted to get in the car and leave, just like she did. But I didn’t. Because I remember what it did to me and how I felt. I didn’t want to do that to my daughter.
I feel differently now … about Mom’s need to get away. That’s all it was. She would never have left us. I’m no longer hurt or feel resentful. I have forgiven her. She was drowning in motherhood and had nowhere to go. She just needed space. She needed time alone.
How fortunate I am to have the support I have, which she SO desperately needed.
Photo by Sabine van Erp.