Today is the day of my “last resort.” It’s taken a long time to get here. We have tried every possible option. Yet pain remains my constant companion.
Disappointment is lurking behind a half closed door in a dark room waiting to pounce if the “last resort” doesn’t work.
Disappointment is my enemy. It has struck after every surgery, treatment, and procedure so far over a span of 69 months.
My body is in a constant state of “fight or flight.” My sympathetic nervous system is in a continual pain loop with my brain.
I can’t rest or relax. I have forgotten what a good nights sleep feels like.
My last visit to the doctor before the surgery was an emotional one. I was edgy. Tense. I needed to cry so badly. But I couldn’t make it happen. I felt numb. There’s no “what next” after this. It feels so final. It is final.
I wonder if my new doctor gets me?
A Week Later
Surgery–short and sweet. Electrical wires and leads in place. Remote works. Programs on.
Now we wait.
Implantation went well. I have seven days to determine if I will have pain relief from present into my future.
All I need is 50% relief and I qualify.
Qualify? For a permanent placement of electrical wires and leads that provide artificial interruption of pain signals to my brain.
Do I dare deny Disappointment and its desire to defeat me?
They call every day. How are you they say? Adjustments. Changes. Let’s wait and see. I’ll call you tomorrow. How about 3?
Hope faces Disappointment today.
And it looks like Hope wins so they say.
My last resort has become what next.
This isn’t the end of the story.